girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
