I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize