Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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