Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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