She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
