just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
