Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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