and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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