Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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