I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
