After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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