my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
