I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
