you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
