shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
