You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
