ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dear god my vagina.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
