That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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