The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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