Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
