I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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