i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
