Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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