I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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