Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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