If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
