Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
