I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
