Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
