It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
