It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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