Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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