sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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