He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is Oprah even human
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
