hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
