I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize