FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
