Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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