I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
