I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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