I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
