nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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