I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
