Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Are my feet made of real feet?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
