Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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