Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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