Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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