I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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