My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
