all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
