Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
