My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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