hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
