he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
