i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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