I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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