Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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